you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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