well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
