I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
