im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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