she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
