ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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