How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
