i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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