I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
