So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
