sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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