I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
