when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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