I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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