Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
