If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
