i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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