Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
