Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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