dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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