how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
