I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
