she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
