seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize