pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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