Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
smell my finger.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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