Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
