my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
