I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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