Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
