I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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