I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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