watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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