Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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