I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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