I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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