Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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