she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
