There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
