I wish my penis had an off switch
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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