I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize