he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
