I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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