Just cropdusted the office
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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