this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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