I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
