Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
