Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
