I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize