well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i love accidental penises.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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