wrigley field is MILF paradise
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
