Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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