all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
