I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
